#200

Happy New Year everyone, and 200th post. I wrote a post about this but Picasa/blogger ate it, and I was tired and don't remember what it said, so I hope this is good enough. Some might say it's a little emo, but I would call it "introspective". Whatever it is, I decided to write it, so there you go.

Remember when I first started blogging? I think I was in grade 8, and I was trying to be cool, like all you superior, awesome "high schoolers". I am so glad I did, and I got to know you guys, because honestly (yeah, yeah get ready for the sappy cliché) I wouldn't be the person I am now without you guys. You were the ones who helped me see that I am a cool person and gave me self esteem and all that great coming-of-age novel type stuff. And for that I thank you.

Even in this past year, I have changed a lot too. I stopped being that girl who dreamed about a boy kissing her, and was that girl who had a boyfriend and was madly in love. It was an amazing first relationship, none of the silly "I guess I like you... we should date because it is expected of us." We were in love in that, totally convinced it's going to last forever kind of way. And that is so hard, but at the same time, it seems like that's the way to have a really strong connection with someone. You have to believe it will last, otherwise it's not the same, it has a looming endpoint that adds an air of "what's the point?"

So maybe I know nothing about this. I have after all had only one (aforementioned) relationship, so what do I really know about relationships? I don't know. I'm bullshitting. I'm pulling it out of my head. But I think it makes sense regardless.

The other thing I learned this year? Breaking up. I learned how it feels to have the wind pushed out of you (literally) when your main support deserts you. It scared me. I was so scared and anxious, it was physically painful. I remember lying in bed with my mom (I couldn't be alone. I couldn't do it. I crawled into bed with my mom because I needed someone to hold me.) and wanting to fall asleep so I could get some relief from the pain. Pain I couldn't do anything about. I felt so hopeless, so powerless. And I was. By the way, Nathan, Jonah, thank you so much for being there. Without you... it would have been bad. Worse, anyway. I didn't want to scare you; and I thank you for letting my blubber away like a fountain (I realize what a downer I was for the rest of the trip).

Finally, finally, I'm coming out of it. Sure, when I see Mike I have a pang of sadness, where I miss him. I still think about what I could have done to fix everything, to have had things turn out differently. And I still dread the day he finds someone else and I completely become Kendra (his other ex). But I see now that life will go on. It does. Also, I have (for the first time ever) learned to stand on my own two feet. I've been so used to wholly depending on someone (Avery, Mike) that I couldn't stand alone. I always needed that person to reassure me in EVERYTHING (I'm sure it was exhausting). And I'm learning to figure it out for myself. I still can't trust my opinion or my theories (hence my English class issues, which is all about interpretation & theories), but I'm hoping that will come in time. And I'm excited about dating! I really am. I hope it starts happening, because I'm looking forward to it.

Finally: Yay! People read my blog! I'm so glad. Keep doing so! (Yes, Jonah, it was a little low, but it worked, didn't it?)

To Jennifer: I'm so glad you read my blog! I know my life isn't as interesting as Marlie's, but I do my best. I hope you enjoy!

To everyone: Quick! Help me make my life interesting so I can blog about it!