"I got dirt on my shoe, so tell me what I'm gonna do... Parade me around."

WHY IS NO ONE ONLINE??

I'm freaking out. Beyond feaking out. I feel like I'm going to puke and faint all at once.
People have already started to get called by Jenn to say if they're in Insight or not. Last night was our last night of summer training and the practices for the troupe start next week. 18 of 27 people are getting in. And they haven't called me yet, which doesn't mean anything because I know of two people who got called and one got in and one didn't. I really hope I get in. I'm kind of expecting to get in, but at the same time I can't imagine what it would be like to get in. I really hope I do though. This is the only thing I have right now that's mine. All my plans and stuff included Mike and he's gone now, so I had insight that was mine, and I really don't want to lose it. Plus I've made a ton of friends I don't want to lose.

I hope I get in.

In other news, I just finished Grrrl by Jennifer Whiteford. READ IT. It rocked my socks. It was so good. My soundtrack to the book was Pony Up!'s album "Make Love to the Judges with Your Eyes", because Jennifer, the author, recommended that CD to me as good breakup music. Not only is it good break up music, it's just great music to listen to. You should all listen to it. While reading Grrrl. And crossing your fingers for me that I'll get in to insight.

"The Truth About Cats and Dogs (is that they die)"

see how close i can get
to keep my socks from getting wet
parade me around
don't me get you down
i've got dirt on my shoe
tell me what I'm gonna do
parade me around

give my beat box a squeeze
bring me back to life
get me off my feet

give me a reason
send me a postcard
tell me your story
why are you so far
i'm cramming for nothing
i'm pushing on buttons
tell me why, tell me why
you're fooling no one

make my way down the back wall
you don't have to be there
to catch me I won't fall
now I'm sleep walking
but I'm fooling no one
hang in the alley
take naps from now on

sleep for days don't ever change
you'll be here in the morning just to hear me say...

It's too late

Stayed in bed all morning just to pass the time
There's something wrong here, there can be no denyin'
One of us is chaning, or maybe we just stopped trying

But it's too late, baby now, it's too late
Though we really did try to make it
Something inside has died
And I can't hide it, I just can't fake it

It used to be so easy living here with you
You were light and breezy and I knew just what to do
Now you look so unhappy and I feel like a fool

But it's too late, baby now, it's too late
Though we really did try to make it
Something inside has died
And I can't hide it, I just can't fake it

There'll be good times again for me and you
But we just can't stay together, can't you feel it too?
Still i'm glad for what we had
And how I once loved you


I love you Carol King. You are so perfect right now.

"He's a rickshaw!"

Snakes on a plane was FRIGGIN AMAZING! BEST MOVIE EVER. I went last night at 10pm with Hashem and Andrew. A ton of LCI grads were there, but I got there late so I didn't get to talk to them.
I was so fun. Premier crowds rock. Lots of laughing at serious things, lots of yelling at the screen, and of course, clapping. The audience clapped when the title came up, and Sammy J's name, and when we first saw Sam Jackson, and the snakes, and when the huge ass boa showed up. So fun.
When asian guy grabbed spoiled girl on his shoulder, Hashem said "He's a rickshaw!" and everyone in the row in front of us turned around and laughed. Awesome.

Of course, Mike randomly came too. I nearly fell over when I saw him there. I thought I was so much better, and was doing fine... until I saw him. Damn him. Not fair. And he's fine! So perfectly, totally fine. I miss him so much.

When we meet on the cloud...

COOLEST DREAM EVER.

So it starts out, I'm living in this ginormous house, and Grandma and Paw-paw were living with us. So first of all what happens is that the sky seems totally normal, blue sky and all and then Grandma says "Looks like we might be getting a tornado." So I look through a window on the other side of the house and see what resembles a funnel cloud. A big one.
So we all run down into the basement, grabbing the cats and all. But then I realize that nothing is happenning, and it suddenly occurs to me that maybe there's no tornado. So I go upstairs and look out a window and realize there's a face in this tall, anvil-shaped cloud. A HUGE, ginormous, face. I go outside, and I'm all "WTF??" He starts talking to me and telling me about how I have to go on this mission for him. I keep calling him Fear, but then it becomes my name and the name I call him. Cloud guy.
So I go back inside and I'm totally freaked about going on this mission. But then I realize, that I really really want to do this, and that I should. So I go upstairs and start packing. I tell my mom what's happenning, and she already knows. In fact, she's coming on the mission too, because she has been on these missions before, and is an active member of this group. (Suddenly, my mom is SO MUCH COOLER).
So my mom tells me to pack light. Like, really light. So I grab a pair of shorts and another T-shirt and stuff them in a little tin and shove it in my pocket. I then spend some annoying time trying to find a pair of jeans in a annoying dream "I can't find anything" sort of way.
Then this van pulls up in front of my house and I go to get in it and my mom meets me there. Suddenly she has this awesome bob-ish hair cut and is all read to go on this wierd mission.
In the van, there are arlready some people. I can't remember who was in the car, but I remember the guy leading the mission (well, other than cloud man, who wasn't in the van) was really hot, and my age. We were driving somewhere to do whatever the mission was when I woke up. Much to my chagrin, because I was so looking forward to living the rest of the dream. I mean, some cool, top secret, mission with a totally hot guy? It ended too soon.

"It's time like these you learn to live again..."

Mike sent me these song lyrics in an email a couple days ago, and I'm going to post them. Enjoy.

Times Like These
Foo Fighters

I am a one way motorway
I'm the one that drives away
Then follows you back home
I am a street light shining
I'm a wild light blinding bright
Burning off alone

It's times like these you learn to live again
It's times like these you give and give again
It's times like these you learn to love again
It's times like these time and time again

I am a new day rising
I'm a brand new sky
To hang the stars upon tonight
I am a little divided
Do I stay or run away
And leave it all behind?

It's times like these you learn to live again
It's times like these you give and give again
It's times like these you learn to love again
It's times like these time and time again

"I want to take a nap but I keep getting hit with... condoms!" -- Julie

I spent today (starting at 8am) working packaging condoms again for the thing at my mom's office. It was fun today because I was working with Julie, one of the drama assistants from Insight. I gave her name to my mom for the job, so I went to work today too and we hung out all day. She's my age and all summer I've been wanting to get to know her better, so I got my chance.
We talked about improv (she's on her school team, Colonel By, and they think Lisgar's improv is "Planned-prov" :P) and Insight (who would be this year's friendships (undecided) who would be this year's couple (money was on me and Jon, apparently, until everyone found out in summer training that I have -- had -- a bf)) and Mike. She's really nice, and cranked "I Will Survive" through her headphones for me. We also talked about her boyfriend of 13 months, Tristan (oh, sadness). On the subject of Mike, Julie said that if in 5 months my life still sucked because of him, she'd come castrate him for me. Thanks Julie... I think :P.

So on the way to Julie's bus stop after work, I ran into Mike. We talked (I cried a little. I tried to contain myself) about us being friends and some good things were said and I get where he's at and I hope he understands where I'm coming from too. I hope we can work something out and at least stay friends. If I'm not in his life as a friend, how will there ever be a chance for more?
But I'm still afraid. I feel like I'm treading lightly so that I don't screw up, because I just want everything to be how he wants it so he won't push me away. If I screw up, I'll lose him completely. That can't happen. At the same time the way I'm waiting to follow his lead means I'm waiting and not working, which isn't helping either. I hope after tonight's conversation we can be friends more.

The best thing that came out of our conversation tonight is that the one thing I wanted most, which is to be able to cry in front of him and with him, on his shoulder, I got. As long as he's ok with that, I am a much happier Evey than yesterday. Not perfect, but I'm working on being happier, one day at a time.

Tampons in the nose is funny.

"I don't want someone who doesn't want me, but if there's even the slightest chance that he does, I'm staying" -- Addison Shepherd, Grey's Anatomy

What a quote to find now. Now of all times. I'm like Addison. He gave me something to hold on to, so I'm holding on. I know it's not the healthy thing or the smart thing to do, but I am. Only, don't tell him, because he was adamant when we broke up that I move on, even if that meant him taking away my little bit of hope. I just want him to do this off being alone, thinking about what is right for him thing and come back to me. I want that so much. I'll be here waiting. For a while at least. Maybe with time I'll heal and let go. I'll be let down gently and just slip, but letting go... no. I can't let go.

{ }

I didn't know I could hurt this much.

Mike and I broke up. Last Tuesday. Yes, on msn while I was in Indiana. Sucks, eh? I was shaking so much I scared myself almost as much as Nate and Jonah. And the crying. I don't think I've cried so much in my life. When the crying stopped the shaking came. It was like crying wasn't enough. I had to do something more and I couldn't so I just shook. Like a leaf. And then I felt so sick I thought I was dying. I seriously considered throwing myself down the stairs because the physical pain would distract me. It sounded like a good plan. I'm so glad that Nate and Jonah were there. I have no idea what I would have done without them.
The sick lasted. I could barely eat, and if I did I felt sick. It was the anxiety. I was worried about coming home, because part of me still had hope that when I got home, we'd fix it. But here I am, at home, and I just saw him and it's over. Really over.
I miss him so much. Even though he's still my friend, I miss him more than I've ever missed anything or anyone in my entire life. I don't know what to do. (No suggestions, please.)

Snakes in the Airplane over the Sea

For those of you who don't know this is originally a song by Neutral Milk Hotal called "Airplane over the Sea". Good song. Listen to it. For those of you who do know it, enjoy this parody. We heart you Samuel L. Jackson.
PS the last 2 lines are bad. Help me fix it. It's one syllable too short for one thing.

What a horrible snake I have found in this place
In this airplane over the sea
What a frightening scene that can flash on the screen
In a blink of an eye, they’ll be going for me
Brutally, let me bash it hard and kill it here
Let me

And one day they will die and their bodies will fly
From the airplane over the sea
But for now we have guns
Let us shoot everyone
And kill every serpentine thing we can see
Then we flee, in the plane up high I’m freaking out
Let me

(Horn solo)

Well enough is enough with these snakes here and nither is screaming
That sounds from the seats
There a panicking crowds, fucking snakes all around
Hear a voice that is shouting and cursing at me
Violently, how the snakes all bend and twist around my knees

Now how we remember it
How they would flick their tongues out through their mouths
And slither as they moved
And strike with bits so swift and fleet
And how we hide because we know
Sam Jackson’s not in Jedi robes
Like Windu was so long ago
Now we don’t even know his name

What a horrible snake I have killed in this place
In this airplane over the sea
And when we meet in the clouds
They’ll be shit going down
I’ll be shooting up everyone I see
Can’t believe that this movie will make any money
At all...


Tampons in the nose is funny.