I'll be the one who'll break my heart / I'll be the one to hold the gun

Right now, I feel short of breath, my head is spinning, I can't focus, I can't remember anything and I feel sick. I must be dying, or something. Or really sick. It can't be just the stress, because stress can't do this much, can it?

Maybe what I need to do is not think ahead. Not think about the AP exam next week or how screwed I'll be for the math test since I'm missing school for insight theatre, or how it's still six long weeks to the summer where everyone will be working except for me. I need to not think about those things. Because the only times I'm happy anymore are when I commit myself to the moment.

That's kind of sad. My favourite part of anything is anticipation. Starting as a little kid, going to sleep on Christmas Eve, hardly able to lie still even though I knew the sooner I fell asleep, the sooner Christmas morning would come. Or waking up in the morning with a smile on my face looking forward to the day ahead. Now, I wake up exhausted with a knot in my stomach and my heart rate up knowing that I'm already behind and there's nothing I can do about it. And I want that to stop.

I really want to take a day. Just relax and not worry about anything. But I can't, because I am so behind I can't even take the time to catch myself up. It's that bad. I owe Mr Magwood about 7 assignments. And yet on weekends, I can barely bring myself to do any work at all. I can't focus. I know it's because I'm overtired, but I go out all weekend because without the weekends, I wouldnt get any time at all to be happy.

Friday was that best night this weekend. I did enjoy the night with Lorien last night, but Friday made me very very happy. I went to the Planned Parenthood Ottawa Volunteer Appreciate party. Part of this party, we had been told ahead of time, would be an Erotica reading by one of the PPO board members who is an Erotica writer. It was a pretty awesome time, starting with hanging out, guessing the words on our backs (I had "Aphrodisiac" and "Orgasm") and then we all sat down for the reading. As our lovely reader is being introduced I start thinking about her name. "Megan Butcher" sounds very familiar to me. And then she gets up there and I realize, it the THE Megan Butcher of the blog Asteroidia Press and I start being fangirl and I squee a bit (sorry guys) and got very excited. She read from her blog instead of her book, a piece I really liked and then was all mingled again. I went over to talk to Megan and buy her poetry book (which she signed!), and not only was so super nice, but she knew who I was! She said that when she came in and saw my name tag, she thought it was the same Evey as the blogger. How cool is that? I was pretty happy all evening that I met one of my bloggers.

After, Seb, Emily Laura and I went to the cabaret at Club Saw (IZM 3!) which was just too much fun (Laura: There will be a bar and they won't card you but you will not be drinking because I'm there). The acts were mostly good although not all (Laura: Please don't get me fired!) and the host of the evening was my favourite person ever ("Eh bien, Merde, la!" "Parts of that, were not so funny, but other parts were funny, so it was ok")

I just need to make it through 2 more months without falling apart. I hope I can go til then, but I keep slowing down and getting further and further behind (rowing run metaphor, anyone?). I can't figure out how to catch up, I really can't.