What will make me say stay

You have heard lots about my love/hate relationship with my job over the course of this year and I wanted to make sure that I was clear on one point: despite the fact that my boss is a little wierd, and the kids sometimes don't listen and I'm forced to make them do more work than they need to and it's every day... it's still a pretty sweet job.

I realized this once again today at work. It's gotten to the point where my boss listens to me and actually trusts me. Today, she sent everyone and their brother in to my room to work with me and it went fine for about 20 min until suddenly everyone needed me at once. I ducked out for a minute and told my boss that I had too many people and she said "Ok" and fixed it. And then later I mentioned to her that all the kids needed reading books for their french reading they do every day and she immediately wrote an email aboutit to all the parents. That felt pretty cool.

Today we had an Insight Show at Greenbank which was so much fun, but a pretty bad show. Catharine as the Wizard of Oz walked into the scene at the wrong time and said "Hello Dorothy!" realized her mistake, and then said "I'll be back later." We couldn't stop laughing. During Time Warp, I'm supposed to be like Susan Sarandon's character in Rocky Horror (pre-sexual awakening) and Jon was the bf guy. I couldnt stop laughing through that scene, and to mask it I pretended to be overcome by all this talk of condoms and swooned into Jon with my face in his chest. But I was laughing my head off.

After the show, a bunch of us went to Venus Envy, since Jenn said she'd take us and it's only half a block from the PPO office. I was excited because I wanted to get the zine that a couple bloggers I read made. It was pretty much awesome. Any place that sells zines, erotica and vibrators while playing Tegan and Sara music that both the cashier and I sing along to and does all this across the street from a super uptight Bible store is cool by me. (Disclaimer: I like Bibles just fine, but not that store.) Also, all grammar nerds, feel free to fix the grammar of that last sentence.

I'll be the one who'll break my heart / I'll be the one to hold the gun

Right now, I feel short of breath, my head is spinning, I can't focus, I can't remember anything and I feel sick. I must be dying, or something. Or really sick. It can't be just the stress, because stress can't do this much, can it?

Maybe what I need to do is not think ahead. Not think about the AP exam next week or how screwed I'll be for the math test since I'm missing school for insight theatre, or how it's still six long weeks to the summer where everyone will be working except for me. I need to not think about those things. Because the only times I'm happy anymore are when I commit myself to the moment.

That's kind of sad. My favourite part of anything is anticipation. Starting as a little kid, going to sleep on Christmas Eve, hardly able to lie still even though I knew the sooner I fell asleep, the sooner Christmas morning would come. Or waking up in the morning with a smile on my face looking forward to the day ahead. Now, I wake up exhausted with a knot in my stomach and my heart rate up knowing that I'm already behind and there's nothing I can do about it. And I want that to stop.

I really want to take a day. Just relax and not worry about anything. But I can't, because I am so behind I can't even take the time to catch myself up. It's that bad. I owe Mr Magwood about 7 assignments. And yet on weekends, I can barely bring myself to do any work at all. I can't focus. I know it's because I'm overtired, but I go out all weekend because without the weekends, I wouldnt get any time at all to be happy.

Friday was that best night this weekend. I did enjoy the night with Lorien last night, but Friday made me very very happy. I went to the Planned Parenthood Ottawa Volunteer Appreciate party. Part of this party, we had been told ahead of time, would be an Erotica reading by one of the PPO board members who is an Erotica writer. It was a pretty awesome time, starting with hanging out, guessing the words on our backs (I had "Aphrodisiac" and "Orgasm") and then we all sat down for the reading. As our lovely reader is being introduced I start thinking about her name. "Megan Butcher" sounds very familiar to me. And then she gets up there and I realize, it the THE Megan Butcher of the blog Asteroidia Press and I start being fangirl and I squee a bit (sorry guys) and got very excited. She read from her blog instead of her book, a piece I really liked and then was all mingled again. I went over to talk to Megan and buy her poetry book (which she signed!), and not only was so super nice, but she knew who I was! She said that when she came in and saw my name tag, she thought it was the same Evey as the blogger. How cool is that? I was pretty happy all evening that I met one of my bloggers.

After, Seb, Emily Laura and I went to the cabaret at Club Saw (IZM 3!) which was just too much fun (Laura: There will be a bar and they won't card you but you will not be drinking because I'm there). The acts were mostly good although not all (Laura: Please don't get me fired!) and the host of the evening was my favourite person ever ("Eh bien, Merde, la!" "Parts of that, were not so funny, but other parts were funny, so it was ok")

I just need to make it through 2 more months without falling apart. I hope I can go til then, but I keep slowing down and getting further and further behind (rowing run metaphor, anyone?). I can't figure out how to catch up, I really can't.

I won't be left dancing alone to songs from the past

Yay! My article is out!

Remember like 3 months ago (maybe 4) when I told you I was going to write an article for a magazine? Well now it happenned! I have the issue right here in front of me. I can't believe it. I'm a published writer!

Although... I am quite pissed that they got my name wrong. I politely told them twice that I wanted to be published under my real name and not the name on my email address. And still they got it wrong. So my last name is half wrong. My friend read it and then excitedly told me about this article she read about Insight Theatre and that Phil Mak was quoted twice! She didn't even know that I wrote it. That really sucked.

Anyway, to all of you awesome people (<3 Jonah, Saralyn, Evan) who have been waiting for it to come out... it's out! And it's not that awesome, but it's my first (relatively) big published thing. I'm so excited.

[www.shamelessmag.com]

Paris, je t'aime

Today, the worst happenned. After months of pushing through and teetering on the edge of where I should be and just barely keeping up, I'm into the real trouble now.

I failed my first test.

Yes, it's true. I am a huge over-achiever. But really, at my school, everyone is. The fact that I'm taking a gr 12 course is nothing new. And getting over 80% average? Why, anything below that is practically a fail! What else is there? I have succumbed to the pressure. I am severely let down if any grade of mine below 85. My anthro 84.5 just isn't cutting it right now.

So, as you can imagine, I was pretty angry when I got my test back with a failing grade. I mean, I thought maybe I had a 75 (bad enough) but 49?? ME? I am the biggest control freak ever. I can't handle it. It was due to this feeling of out of control and disbelief that when I got into my car I made a rather large mistake: I told my mom about my test. She was pretty unhappy. sentences like "maybe I've been giving you too much freedom" and "This isn't good enough" and "This doesn't happen to you" were tossed at me.

The result? I don't know. Nothing so far; I've been going out a lot on the weekends lately and I will this weekend too and so far I'm still allowed. We'll see what happens though. I need to pick it up. Everything is finally catching up with me. I don't have anything left. And now I'm failing tests. This is not good.

Every streetlight reveals a picture in reverse

Setting: Homework Club. Me, Mike and 2 students who are done their homework. Mike and I are facing one another, and the kids are on either side of us.

Students: Mike, you're so boring. You never smile and you never talk about anything interesting. You're like the opposite of Evey. She smiles all the time and-
Evey: I love chatting.
Mike: You never ask me anything interesting.
Students: Ok! So, Mike, do you have a girlfriend?
Mike: No.
Students: Did you have a girlfriend?
Mike: Yes.
Students: *look at me to confirm his answer*
me: Yeah, he had a girlfriend.
Students: Did she like dumb calculus and math like you?
Evey: *trying very hard not to laugh* Not as much as Mike, no.
Students: *confused about why I'm answering their questions and not Mike* Did she never smile like you?
Mike: No, she smiled a lot.
Evey: yep, it's true.
Students: Did she dump you?
Evey: *still loving the irony of the situation*
Mike: No.
Students: Why did you dump her? Was it because she smiled too much? *laugh*
Evey: Geez Mike, that's not a very nice reason to dump someone.
Students: Yeah Mike.

The kids can't seem to comprehend anyone being comfortable with anyone of the opposite sex unless they're dating or related. Mike and I confuse them a lot. And we enjoy it.
I spent an hour talking to him on Saturday night after Adam's party. I feel bad for him. I wish he wouldnt take so much on himself. If anyone he cares about is hurting he gets angry and pissed off. It's what accounts for his "I hate the world" exterior. But at least he doesn't do that at me anymore.

My boss is finally back at the homework club, which means the fun is over. I was finally starting to enjoy working with the kids and getting to know them, but that kind of ends now. I'm glad that Patti is back to deal with the kids who refuse to do as we say or who won't calm down. But other than that, I'd rather her stay on vacation.

Now that she's back, my mom really wants me to quit. I'm afraid to quit though. First of all, I hate going back on committments. I would feel like I'm failing if I don't go to the end of the year. Also, it's really good money, money that I could use for university. It's also my only link to Mike Welsh, who is becoming more and more of a good friend. But on the other hand, I'm extremely overstressed and over burdenned and something's gotta give. The question is what....

When the war came, the war came hard

Mrs Szeles: So, do ANY of you know your lines for the lines test today?

[pause]

Evey: I do...

Student: Evey, do you have to be an overachiever ALL the time?

That was a drama class exerpt, the class in which I am getting a 98%. Saves my chem grade, let's hope.

I have recently re-discovered the Decemberists and Bloc Party. If I'm not listening to one, I'm listening to the other. I'm bad with making playlists... so not much variety in what I listen to. Oh! Oh! Fun reader task. Post any cool playlists you have/playlists you think I may enjoy. Or else I'll get sick of these two groups and I will cry.

You know what's even better than a 4-day week? A 4-day weekend. Followed by a 4-day week. The result being I will get to see Aidan at least twice, damnit. Due to excess of homework on his part (don't get me started...) a no hanging out on weeknights rule has been instated. So I get to see him about once a week. But not on 4-day weekends! On 4-day weekend, you can do pretty much anything you want.

I love that freedom. The freedom to do whatever you feel like doing. Being spontaneous. Of course, this is something my mother doesn't believe in, or something. She has to know these things before I leave the house:

1) Where I'll be
2) Who I'll be with
3) How I'm getting there
4) What exactly will be happenning there (and if there's parental supervision)
5) When I'm coming home
6) How I'm getting home. (No bus or walk after dark)

Plus, I must have my cell phone with me, turned on, at all times. And I must answer it. No excuses. Today, I couldnt find my cell phone in time for leaving this morning, so I left it. I was 10 min late home from work due to a kid being picked up late and my mom freaked because she couldn't get a hold of me. You can see how this does not lend itself to spontenaity. I walked home on Friday night from Alex's in the Glebe, after dark. It was probably the most exciting thing I've done in a long time.

I'm such a lame teenager. I have got to get out more often.

*****

Further camp quote:
Lina, Evey and Ailish, all very tired.

Lina: I hate Avril Lavigne

Ailish: I'm so, so tired......

Evey: She should go to Japan.

Lina: Ailish?

Ailish: yes *asian smile with peace signs* one hundred percent!