Time, time ticking on me/ alone is the last place I wanted to be

The internet really is a weapon of mass distraction. I can procrastinate for hours by flipping through mindless facebook photo albums and play mahjong instead of doing my eight (oh my god... eight) lab reports or cramming for my anthro exam, which I will fail for sure. For sure. I don't know what it is lately, I just have so much trouble lately motivating myself. I directly blame senioritis. Because you know what? It's contagious. I hang out with grade 12s a lot, and now I have senioritis even though I'm not a senior. Coincidence? I think not. As Davis said, I'm now a druggie... without the drugs. I have no idea what she's on about, you'd have to ask her.

I missed the last Insight Theatre gathering. The party was this afternoon, and I missed it. I was at work. It just totally slipped my mind, and I feel terrible. I missed the last part of Insight Theatre. I will never see most of those people ever again. That makes me so incredibly sad.

That has been happenning to me more and more lately. The intense feeling that time is slipping by, slowly swallowing up moments and faces and throwing them to the wind to be scattered. And then that's it.

I am not one who likes to let go. Of anything. My security blanket from when I was little is still sitting in my room on a shelf. The heads of the first dozen roses Mike ever gave me are sitting in a vase next to the teddy bears he gave me for Valentine's Day. Deleting msn conversations is often painful for me. I'm just so so afraid of forgetting, afriad of losing this moment, because I don't know what the next one will hold.

Because of all this Friday was just one big ball of freak out. Friday was the last day of school, which meant the last day for all those wonderful, talented people I have idolized and gotten to know over the past three years and even more so over the past month. Friday is also the day when we get yearbooks and you know what that means... signatures. Yearbook signing is so stressful because I am afraid to miss someone. In grade six I made everyone in my class sign my yearbook, even just with their name (the boys mostly weren't interested) just so I could collect them all and go over them. Count the names, count the memories -- good and bad.

So now my yearbook is sitting next to me. The signature pages are full. I've barely even read the yearbook, I've only skimmed the messages from my friends. They've made me laugh, they've made me cry, they've made me look forward to next year, but most of all, they make me feel better, more secure. I know who I'm missing, and I will track them down and they will sign my yearbook. I had to add a page to fit more people in. More memories. More time.

If only a pair of scissors and tape could buy more time.