UPDATE

My little fragment, as you put it Erin, will be published in the Wandering Phonograph at my school! I'm excited.

I'm afraid that I'll spend the better part of next year scared that I might need you

"Sideways" by Matt Caplan. Playd Mark in Rent at one point, actually. Anyway, welcome to my life:

Lost my train of thought around Chicago
Found a little solace where you lay
Never made collages as a young child
Not that much to see So much to say

Now even in this silence there's a thunder
And rain that steals the breath beneath this cage
And at least I've got your memory to soothe me
This bitter poison ripening with age

Because everything I've ever done I've done because I love you
Silly you should ask
I'm afraid that I'll spend the better part of next year scared that I might need you
Bring me down and I'll feel again
Everything I've ever done I've done because I love you
Sideways

Lost my patience well before West Fourth Street
Found a copper coin, said "Seize the Day"And I let the angry audience surround me
Hiding as I screamed "Give o'er the play"And now even in this thunder there's a silence
A shred of comfort standing at my door
And at least I've got the sense to reconstruct you
And leave me twice as lucid as before

Chorus

And you left your mark
And you left your face in the corner of my mind three times
You left your mark
You left yourself


And at least i've got the sense to sense what's coming
And realize that good things never come to those that wait too long

Because everything I've ever done I've done because I love you
Silly you should ask
I'm afraid that I'll spend the better part of next year scared that I might need youBring me down and I'll feel again
Everything I've ever done I've done because I love you
Sideways

with a river of "yes"'s and "whatever"'s you traded me long ago

I did "Walk for Life" tonight. It's a candlelit walk to raise money to fight HIV/AIDS. I went with Insight. A few of us went to Elgin Street Diner (ESD) for dinner before, and then the walk. After the walk, Jon, Phil, Leia, Emily red, Emily purple and I hung out outside city hall, planting our candles on the stone, and burning stuff. Like ticket stubs. Not like, important things. Just playing with fire. Lots of fun.

I also did my first pilates class, and it was PAIN. I was shaking. My muscles were shaking in the poses. And I'm not supposed to be in that advanced a class or something, but my mom signed my up anyway. So that was major pain.

I hung out with Kirsten, Alex and Geoff last night, and we had fun. Watching Stargate, hanging out. I love having friends to hang out with on Friday nights.

Yesterday afternoon, a man walked into Dawson College in Montreal and started shooting. He wasn't after anyone in particular, just started shooting. This has been a HUGE DEAL in Canada. All over the news. They're doing the usual "blame the goths, blame first person shooters" stuff, but everything aside, it's scary. In Quebec, they don't have grade 12. They have a year of independant study at college. So there were 16 year old kids there. My age. It's pretty scary.
The stories are horrifying and so far one girl has died and a bunch of others are still in hospital. I don't know anyone at Dawson right now, I used to have a friend who went there, but I still send prayers to all those students who had to deal with this. As Patti said "You teens are young. You shouldn't have to deal with this kind of thing. And yet, you do."

White Walk

This is just something I wrote. Last night at 1am online with Mcc. I wrote it and didn't edit it into oblivion. I like it, which is what is important, so I thought I'd post it. (PS: Don't mind the random changing persons. It's what I do.)

When she closes her eyes she can't see it, but she knows where to find it. Her lips part and she tastes it and feels it run up her arms, across the small of her back, holding her there. It feels like warmth; the kind of warmth that comes only once, but fills you so you don't notice it anymore, you just can't remember how you lived without it. It's the smallest thing that becomes everything, growing quietly, slowly opening up new parts showing you places that you never even knew you could feel. But you can.

Winds change. Warmth drains away and suddenly you're naked even though now your eyes are open and you've wrapped yourself in everything else. And no matter how hard you try, those new places stay empty; nothing will fill them, not even shadows. Your eyes are open and you don't know where to look anymore. You can't find it. It's left you alone in the long, cold white and all you can do is wrap yourself in it and walk.

House blog!!

Michael Christie and I on AIM during the season premiere of House. Good times.

SBristowSD6: OH MY GOD.
SBristowSD6: House just jumped the shark!
ewings73: I saw that!
ewings73: what happenned?
ewings73: what was with that?
SBristowSD6: BAD BAD BAAAAAD writers.
SBristowSD6: BAD writers.
ewings73: It went all "Supernatural"e
wings73: on me.
SBristowSD6: He has "I think I see aliens and just got rectal probed-itis."
ewings73: I was waiting for Jared Paledecki to show up
SBristowSD6: Ew.
SBristowSD6: He's icky.
ewings73: is not
ewings73: what is with the Chase trying to do a chinese accent?
ewings73: TATTOINE shoutout.
SBristowSD6: I don't know.
ewings73: WHAT THE HELL.
ewings73: with metal in the neck.
ewings73: maybe he's a robot.
SBristowSD6: That may have redeemed the episode.
ewings73: HOW?
SBristowSD6: Hey!
ewings73: please, enlighten me
SBristowSD6: You're ahead of me!
ewings73: as to your train of thought
ewings73: HAHAHA
ewings73: where are you at?
ewings73: proof again canadians win.
SBristowSD6: Houston.
SBristowSD6: But you're like a few minutes agead.
ewings73: in the episode smartass
SBristowSD6: He just went "A Beautiful Mind" in his neck.
ewings73: and...
ewings73: wait for it
SBristowSD6: No!
ewings73: Im already done the commercial break
ewings73: I KNOW!
SBristowSD6: NO!!!!
ewings73: I KNOW!!!!
ewings73: heehee, nurses have a spekaing role!
SBristowSD6: I'm still in the commercial!
ewings73: ok
ewings73: im shutting up
ewings73: tell me when something happens
SBristowSD6: We're back!
SBristowSD6: Heh.
SBristowSD6: Kursk
ewings73: kursk what?
SBristowSD6: The nuclear submarine that broke and sank off of Russia a few years ago.
SBristowSD6: It was weird.
ewings73: oh yeah
ewings73: I remember that
SBristowSD6: This show is pissing me off.
SBristowSD6: I liked it better when gold caused horrible problems.
ewings73: yeah
ewings73: I don't like the over dramatic ones lately
SBristowSD6: Hee.
SBristowSD6: That was amazing.
SBristowSD6: "I want...to have sex...with my wife!" "Oh!"
ewings73: lol
SBristowSD6: I kind of like Cameron now.
SBristowSD6: And don't like Cuddy.
SBristowSD6: Which is weird.
SBristowSD6: The world is all askey.
SBristowSD6: *askew.
ewings73: I know
SBristowSD6: And I've loved Cuddy since Sports Night!
ewings73: OH MY GOD.
ewings73: I wont say it
ewings73: WHAT. THE. FUCK.
SBristowSD6: God damn it!
SBristowSD6: They're being funny!
SBristowSD6: Like really funny!
ewings73: which part?
ewings73: I saw no good funny.
SBristowSD6: The computer screen, the HDTV, the Movie Screen.
ewings73: oh that
ewings73: I missed the begining of that
SBristowSD6: And House being all gross with Cuddy.
ewings73: I know.
ewings73: maybe she's pregnant
SBristowSD6: "..They're firmer..."
ewings73: PREGNANT.
SBristowSD6: ...
SBristowSD6: You know, this might be a good episode if they got rid of the medical case.
ewings73: I agree.
ewings73: did you just go to commercial break?
SBristowSD6: Yes.
SBristowSD6: I want to see "The Departed."
ewings73: the which?
ewings73: ?
SBristowSD6: The new Scorsese movie with Matt Damon and Martin Sheen and Jack Nicholson and Leonardo DiCaprio.
ewings73: what is it about
ewings73: *cringe for dicaprio*
SBristowSD6: Eh, DiCaprio won me over.
SBristowSD6: As suck-ass as the Aviator was, he was really good.
ewings73: he looks like a rat
SBristowSD6: He does, but you like Orlando Bloom who looks like an eighteen year old girl.
ewings73: does not.
ewings73: Adam Brody is better, in any case.
ewings73: and not OC Adam Brody.
ewings73: Gilmore Girls Adam Brode
ewings73: *Brody
ewings73: oh Dave.
ewings73: WHy couldn't you marry Lane?
SBristowSD6: He got a better deal.
SBristowSD6: Poor Gilmore Girls.
ewings73: OC = teh suck.
SBristowSD6: Yeah.
ewings73: Mischa Barton GONE so it died.
SBristowSD6: The first year was almost good.
ewings73: yeah, so I hear
SBristowSD6: I was born there.
SBristowSD6: I have an excuse for watching it.
ewings73: lol
SBristowSD6: But then the finale blew, and West Wing got good and it was all over.
SBristowSD6: Okay, I love Cameron and Cuddy.
ewings73: yep.
ewings73: haha/
ewings73: yes
SBristowSD6: The same thing happened with Lost.
SBristowSD6: It was good, the finale blew, and they moved Veronica Mars.
SBristowSD6: Lost go bye-bye.
SBristowSD6: Speaking of which: WATCH VERONICA MARS.
ewings73: we dont get it here
ewings73: only re-runs
ewings73: of old seasons with no regularity
SBristowSD6: Aw.
SBristowSD6: Wait!
SBristowSD6: It was on when I was there!
ewings73: in ALBERTA?
ewings73: or BC?
SBristowSD6: British Columbia.
ewings73: I live in ONTARIO.
SBristowSD6: Is CTV different there?
ewings73: BC is way cooler than we'll ever be
SBristowSD6: Does your crazy nation air some programs in some provinces and other ones in others?
ewings73: "Yell at me, that'll fix the kid"
ewings73: guess who said that
SBristowSD6: Not there yet.
ewings73: guess.
SBristowSD6: Cameron?
ewings73: nope.
SBristowSD6: Veronica Mars
ewings73: lmao
ewings73: nope
SBristowSD6: Hee.
SBristowSD6: Pig in poop.
SBristowSD6: Wilson's a douchebag.
SBristowSD6: I don't like him anymore
ewings73: with the pain pills?
SBristowSD6: "You're not always right, House."
SBristowSD6: Douchebag!
ewings73: but he is!
ewings73: ALWAYS.
SBristowSD6: Oh, GOD.
SBristowSD6: Chase!
SBristowSD6: Yay!
SBristowSD6: That was gay.
ewings73: lol
SBristowSD6: I'm so pissed off, I'm now resorting to hateful epithets to express my displeasure.
SBristowSD6: Thank God for boobs!
ewings73: lmao
SBristowSD6: I still think Chase's lame Yo Mama joke was the best thing about this episode.
ewings73: HA! serves Cuddy fucking right.
SBristowSD6: No!
SBristowSD6: SHH!
ewings73: you'll see.
SBristowSD6: Spoiler-free in Season Three!
SBristowSD6: Is that Merrin Dungey?
SBristowSD6: I LOVE MERRIN DUNGEY!
ewings73: I... don't know?
ewings73: who is that
SBristowSD6: Nevermind.
SBristowSD6: I love Foreman was all "Looks like you were wrong...again." And Cameron is all glaring at him.
SBristowSD6: It's awesome.
ewings73: haha
ewings73: OH MY GOD -- for real.
ewings73: *shushes self*
SBristowSD6: Good Oh my God or Bad?
SBristowSD6: I need good news.
ewings73: not saying anything
SBristowSD6: Aw.
ewings73: "So.. I'm kind of wierd?" "We're all kind of wierd"
SBristowSD6: Oh.
ewings73: that wasn't oh my god
ewings73: tell me when they get to the diagnosis.
SBristowSD6: Okay.
SBristowSD6: Cuddy just admitted it.
ewings73: getting close.
SBristowSD6: ...?
ewings73: just tell me your reaction
SBristowSD6: Okay, that's kind of cool.
SBristowSD6: That's really kind of cool.
ewings73: the chimera?
ewings73: BUT CSI DID IT!
SBristowSD6: They fucking pulled.
ewings73: seasons ago.
SBristowSD6: Oh.
SBristowSD6: Whatever.
SBristowSD6: I didn't see it!
ewings73: I did. And CSI did it AGES AGO
ewings73: and it was awesome
ewings73: but then it got played to oblivion on Spike
SBristowSD6: Whatever!
SBristowSD6: I'm enjoying the ride!
SBristowSD6: Oh, good lord!
Auto response from ewings73: I had to leave for a sec, I'll be right back.
SBristowSD6: NO!
SBristowSD6: OOOH!
SBristowSD6: Wilson is lame.
SBristowSD6: LAAAME!
ewings73: which bit?
SBristowSD6: Oh Good Lord - Aliens
SBristowSD6: I don't remember what "NO!" was.
SBristowSD6: I wanted House to beat the crap out of Wilson though.
ewings73: yeah

"Fools in Love... is there any other kind of lover?"

I am happy. I really am. I have FINALLY given myself permission to be happy after my whole Evey power moment I had all over Sarah. And so I will be happy for a while. And who cares what people think? I don't. And I FINALLY don't care what Mike thinks. This is me pulling a Meredith Grey, "You don't get to call me a whore, Macdreamy." Yeah. He can deal. He lost the priviledge of caring about me. And now I can be happy.

"I think that you are thinking about thinking about me"

Ever have a moment where it's like "Wow. I am such a teenager. My life is SO DRAMATIC."

Yeah. Me too.

So I have unfortunately come to the conclusion that I need way more time. I hate that. I don't want to wait and take time. I want to MOVE ON. I don't want to wait.

Argh.

I have a new haircut! I love love love love it. A lot. I feel much more interesting, less bland.
New haircut = new me = better school year. I hope.

I'm a little worried about school. Bleh. 

I feel like, I wouldn't like me, if I met me...

I had two wierd dreams last night.

Dream #1
I was at my house and Suki was there cooking for me and my mother (Lorelai) and I think someone else, like Richard Gilmore. Anyway, Suki was cooking and had brought her Dragon snake with her because its eggs were hatching. This was a big ass blue snake and had a bajillion eggs. When they hatched, these fuzzy little chick-like dragony things came out. So we were trying to hide the giant snake and the babies and it was crazy. We kept losing eggs in the couch and we were trying to get them all so Suki could take them home. Very wierd.

Dream #2
I was visiting Nathan and Jonah at Wooster. I got sick of my life or whatever and so I took a bus to Wooster and went to see Nathan and Jonah. It involved lots of tours of this campus (at night) and someting about a waterfall and I went to a doctor's appointment at Wooster, and he gave me a report about my social life. Very wierd. I ended up sleeping in some random riverbed and then Uncle Dave showed up wondering if my mom knew where I was, which she did. It was very wierd.

In other news:
I GOT INTO INSIGHT! *dance*. We've had 2 meetings so far and also, the monologue I did will probably get into the show! I'm so excited. The monologue is below:

'Twas the night of the party, and all through the houseNot a parent was present, not even a spouse;

The keg was set up in the hall by the stairand the party was rockin’ by the time I got there;

The neighbours were nestled all snug in their beds,While “Empty” by Metric throbbed in their heads;
I was ready for fun when I stepped in the door
It was just like some parties I’d been to before

When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter
Drunks kicking garbage cans – that’s what’s the matter

Away to the staircase for a spot to sit down
Tore open my jacket and looked all around

The moon shining bright on the beer in my cup
Gave me courage to wait for my crowd to show up.

When what to my wondering eyes should appear
But a gorgeous blonde guy with a 6-pack of beer.

With a look in his eyes, so lively and quick
I knew in a moment he would do the trick!

More rapid that eagles his lines came my way
And whistled and whispered and called me by name

“Now darling, now sweetie, now heavenly star,
Now honey, now peaches… meet me at the bar

I joined in the chugfest just down the hall
Now drink away, drink away, drink away all!

And then in a twinkling I slid to the floor
Head spinning wildly, I crawled towards the door

As I reached the doorway, and tried to go out
Blonde Adonis beside me, removing all doubt

All dressed in blue jean from his head to his toe
His clothes were covered with dust from the street

A couple of cold beers were stuck in his belt
And he looked like friend, at least that’s what I felt

His eyes how they twinkled! his smile so divine!
His hand was so steady, clasped tightly in mine.

To the top of the stairs, to the room on the right
I stumbled inside and he turned off the light.

The room started spinning; I was swept off my feet
Music was pounding, as we moved to the beat.

And then it was over, I couldn’t remember
It lasted for minutes, or was it forever

My head was still pounding the music was gone
The knot in my stomach said something was wrong.

I looked round the room, in the early dawn glow
My clothes on the floor, I just didn’t know

I pulled on my jeans, I ran down the stairs
Beer bottles and ashtrays and barf everywhere

Outside I wander and wonder what will come next
What to do, what to say, what should I expect

And there in the Starbucks, lined up for a brew
My best friend, my buddy – Hey what should I do?

She buys me a coffee, she lends me her ear
She hugs me, she tells me, I’ve nothing to fear

And then what she told me, I remember today
“I’m here, and I’ll help. We’ll make it ok.”